Dear Renee,

I am currently building my career and moving up the ranks in the business world, and I want a lady in my life. But I find that most women want me to commit to long-term plans. Although I'm not a player, a lifelong commitment still scares me.

I'm not ready for marriage right now, but I still want to be intimate with the women I date. Is this a problem?

Curt

Dear Curt,

In my seminars, I find that many men associate commitment with death or being in jail. It sounds like you are in the "Securing Your Vehicle" phase, as explained in my book , Love Mechanics , and you are mainly focused on your professional life -- long-term relationships have taken a back seat.

The reality is, that even if you want to be intimate with women, you may not have time to nurture a full-time relationship right now. Your fears are normal and it's good that you know what you want in this phase of your life. You don't have a problem, yet you must not get involved with someone who has different goals than you or it may cause stress and pain for all concerned. Be honest. Communicating honestly is important, even in the casual dating scene. Sex and intimacy can make women believe that you want a long-term deal, which is why you need to communicate your needs and set boundaries that work for you. It may sound selfish, but it shows that you have integrity and care about her feelings.

There is another option. Why not try a short-term commitment contract?

Agreeing on this alternative means that you have mutually decided to date exclusively for an agreed upon length of time, and you can reevaluate the relationship again after 2 to 6 months. Discuss important issues like sex, children, work, and money, and explore whether both of you see eye to eye on these topics. If you do, then you can slowly start thinking about a long-term commitment.

Renee